“Search my heart, know my ways.”
I cannot count the number of times I have prayed those words. Sometimes they have been muttered under my breath as I read scripture, and at others they have been breathlessly cried out as I search for the path that has seemed to have slipped out from under my feet.
He has heard my prayer. Every. Time.
I’m presently in the midst of doing a bible study on Gideon by Priscilla Shirer. Looking at Judges 6 and 7, this study focuses on our weakness and His strength. It’s been fantastic. It’s been refreshing, bringing new perspectives and a fresh hope, and in the same breath it’s been incredibly challenging as my heart struggles to give up fear and to trust and lean entirely on God.
Yesterday’s portion of the bible study talked about why it was necessary for God to strip down Gideon’s army of anything excessive as they went out to battle against the Midianites. They needed to fully focus on the task at hand. In the end, that meant that only 300 soldiers remained to fight the massive Midianite army. Talk about painful and challenging, especially for Gideon!
As I was reading through Priscilla’s thoughts and research, I realized that this summer has been a process of God stripping away the excess things in my own life. I’ve been stripped away from the security of my own home and space, my own predictable schedule and independence. I no longer have a fast paced job, my own home to clean, my own meals to make. And in these things being stripped away from my life at present, I have been brought face to face with a lot of the insecurities, false beliefs, bitterness, etc. that has been dwelling in my heart.
Painful and challenging.
I have been put in a place where I have no choice but to let go of my fear and trust Him with my everything. My relationships. My marriage. My health. My identity. The list goes on and on and on…
To be completely honest, one of main reasons why this journey has been so rocky is that I have constantly been fighting back against it. I pray those words “search my heart, know me” with all of my heart. I want Him to form and mould me. I want my dead branches to be purged so that I can keep growing taller. This is what I desire.
But the process is not appealing.
Change is a slow process with me. I am so grateful that God is patient, and that He will never stop pursuing me.