Motherhood: the most time-consuming, emotionally taxing, most delightful, rewarding job a woman can ever have. Once you step foot on the journey motherhood takes you on, there really is no turning back. No matter how hard, no matter how exhausting. And while that prospect is a more than a little bit scary, it’s also what makes this journey is so beautiful.
There are many, many stages of this journey. Things are always changing, as life goes on, as children grow, as the seasons pass. Sometimes we mothers find ourselves wishing time to hurry on and pass by. And there are those moments, those seasons, when time seems to slip past our frantically grasping fingers. It’s hard to live in the moment, to savour the right here and right now, the present gifts that surround us, whether they be blatantly in front of our eyes or back a bit, lurking in the shadows.
I’ve entered this stage of motherhood where I feel like I’m teetering on the edge of going insane. I love this journey, I do. But oh, it is so exhausting. Especially when a certain little boy glues himself to your hip, content there and only there. I mean, I can’t even go to the bathroom for 30 seconds without hearing “Mama, mama, mama” or seeing little fingers reaching, stretching as far as they can go under the bathroom door.
Hilariously adorable as it is, exhausting as it is, it’s not the real reason why I’m on the brink of a breakdown. The real reason is that I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. And I know that it is just an emotion-driven feeling, but it’s still valid, still there lingering in the depths.
I feel like I’m torn between being a mom, being a wife, and simply being me. I feel like I’m dropping the ball while trying to juggle all three roles, not to mention the many other roles and responsibilities that are required of me. Let me rephrase that, I feel like I’m dropping the ball while trying to juggle being a mom and a wife. I feel like I’ve dropped the ball on being me a while ago.
Sigh. Let me take a deep breath..
The reality is this: all in all, I am a beautiful daughter of the King. Period. And that is all that really matters. I need to keep my focus on Him, I need to continue placing my identity in Him, because when I place my identity on trying to be the perfect mom and/or wife, I’ll fail time and time again. And let’s be honest here, I’m going to fail anyways, no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do. It’s through Him that all this mess is redeemed into something unimaginably beautiful.
So yes, I feel exhausted, a little lost and lonely. I feel like I need time for just me, I feel like I need time for just me and Damien, and I feel like I need time for just the three of us. But I don’t want to be wishing time away, or to be frantically grasping at nothing. I simply want to be. In His presence. Because there’s no place I’d rather be than here in His arms, here in His grace, experiencing all that He has for me in this moment.