I won’t lie, these past couple of months have been hard. They’ve been raw, and messy. I have visited places within my heart that I had long ago thought were closed off, dealt with, healed.
I was wrong.
There are still wounds under the surface, wounds that run deep, wounds that need the healing grace that Christ brings.
I didn’t recognize it at first, the fact that my heart has been suffering. And looking back I can see it all started months ago, all the way back to when Damien and I were going through the training to become foster parents.
I didn’t realize how visiting old wounds, even if they were only brought up briefly in conversation, would rip them open, fresh and raw, prone to infection if not dealt with properly and in a timely fashion.
And of course I procrastinated. I ignored. I wrote it all off as just some circumstance that would soon pass.
I waited too long.
It came out of nowhere, and yet very obviously somewhere. I broke, completely and wholly. We should have seen it coming, but we’re optimistic, we’re ignorant, we’re oblivious, all in one.
I do believe that our physical, emotional, spiritual and mental selves are all interconnected. When one suffers, all suffer eventually. And thus I don’t blame this all on spiritual warfare, just like I don’t blame it all on my sometimes delicate mental health, just like I don’t blame it on my ever-changing emotions.
I’ve been falling in love over and over again to a song of Bethel’s: Have It All. As I listen to it with a fresh and raw broken heart I’m reminded that He wants our ALL.
Isn’t it the sacrifice of a broken and contrite heart that the Lord delights in, as opposed to a perfectly polished life?
More than us in our good moments, more than us in our desire for order and predictability and perfection, He wants us just as we are in our broken state, in our messiness, in our confusion and helplessness. We just need to say “You can have it all, Lord.”
Isn’t there such an incredible, indescribable hope in that? He loves us even at our worst. Regardless of anything and everything, He is PROUD to be seen with us, to lavish His love on us, because, ever so simply, He has chosen us as His own.